The Unwanted

The newspaper which you always picked up early morning on theway to the loo is missing!The toilet is locked and this is yourusual time.Your breakfast is late, and someone cleaned up all the cereals.The lights are left switched on the portico and almost every roomin your house. Someone has been surfing porn on your homecomputer.Yes, to more than of these means either you married the wrongperson or you have an unwanted guest in your house who has longoverstayed his welcome.Unwanted guests inevitably have unwanted habits. They are alsoless cleaner than you, or so it seems. They have an amazing knackto step on your toes, munch your munchies and irritate you to noend.All those subtle hints you give him – how you miss your privacy,how your life is being held hostage to the whims of other people inyour own house and how you are so nice that you cannot say no topeople – are all wasted on the guest.He can’t care less. A free lunch is worth a closed ear.Before you start fretting that you have a parasitic infectionwhich is never going to go away, take a look at some ways to makethe obvious even more obvious.1. Everytime he hijacks your bathroom, wait outside until hefinishes and thank him for coming out when he does.2. Tell him stories about how many people were murdered in theneighborhood, especially the ones about guests who got mistaken forowners.3. Lock him in the bathroom and claim that you did not hear himhollering and banging on the door for all of 3 hours.4. Discuss with your wife, your weird night habit ofsleepwalking and setting fire to rooms in your house.5. Dont talk about growing inflation, it might scare him frommoving out. Instead, talk about the many wonders in your countryand how if you had been free you would have gone on a 1 yearhitchhiking trip.6. Ask him to help with household chores and clean up the atticonce too often.7. Hire a draconian nanny, to take care of the house in yourabsence. Ideally, she should have blood smeared around her lipswhen she comes in.8. find out his schedule and start and restart your noisy car orlisten to heavy metal music exactly when he dozes off.9.Put a lock on the television and say you forgot the key.10. When nothing else works. Please stop being a nice guy andtell him/her/them to get out.